improvement

I see some improvement in how I feel about what I have been eating... I do not feel so desperate.. I am calmer and even with junk food left over from the guys' poke night I am not tempted to eat it. A semblance of calm has returned. Geez, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I mean if I can't do the 12 step program or   rather if I don't want to put the time and effort it takes to work the steps, what will I have? This makes sense of course, but this disease is such that a lot of the time, we don't even think about it... we are addicts.. I remember back when I felt so self righteous about the  drug addict mom who  was taking drugs while pregnant. I did not understand.. for me the the times that I was able to do what I needed to do in terms of food was when I was pregnant with my two boys. I would do anything for my kids even temper my addiction. I had plenty of support though, My mom made me special low fat gravy, my husband would  stay with me while I walked on the treadmill to reduce my glucose numbers. I prayed to all the saints I knew!  But there was something intangible that I felt, and that was faith and hope. I was sure my  pregnany outcome would be just fine, how, I don't know but it's just a superhuman feeling I had where my kids were concerned. I knew, knew everything would be all right, I even had to reassure my OB, don't worry , I would say to him, I've got it covered. All the Franciscans my brother knew were praying for a good outcome, parents were praying, my mom's neighbhor sent me religious cards. I was praying and doing what I had to do to keep my gestational diabetes under control and hence keep Christopher safe in by belly. So I wondered why was this drug addict not able to give up her drugs while pregnant. I don't know exactly why but it must have been similar to the time where for about a year, while diabetic, I did not take my blood sugar readings nor follow any of the dietary protocol for diabetics,I had given up. I could not do this anymore! I was done!  I had been struggling for close to 50 years, I had had it. No one could say I didn't try everything out there, and I had.
I imagine, though that drugs obviously do a number on your brain and change anything  of a rational sort in one's brain, so just because I was able to curb my eating while pregnant I had no right to judge. Just like I did not want to be  judged, for my shortcomings. Maybe this woman had no support, or health care or a loving husband and family. 
I have a little saying upstairs in my craft room that says' When the world says give up, Hope whispers" Try one more time" I'm sticking with hope.